I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels this way or if it is a common feeling. Next year I will complete my law course. That means I will need to do my PLT and then find a job all of this is overwhelming and scary. My body feels overwhelmed but my brain and heart just feels numb.

IT exhausts me so fast and I have no clue what to do other than push forward. So thats my plan.

As I sit here watching Ghost Whisperer, I consider what it would be like to actually have this gift. To see those that have passed and need help to move on. The pain of hearing their stories, is not something I think I would survive. The complete heartbreak of the tourtured souls especially if they were children. I don’t think I could go to someones parent and tell them their child that they know to be dead is in the room and wishes to talk to them.

Have you ever just tried to trick yourself into liking someone because of the fear of being alone. Which confuses me as to why I just tried to do this because I love being alone. I can do what I want when I want. Why would I settle? Then you get cold at night, or you see a happy couple. Society has tricked me into thinking I need someone.

I often wonder if men have these thoughts or if it is just women. Life is a confusing mess.

Had the longest day at work with it not being busy. Only to leave the store to it raining so much it flooded with hail stones as big as tennis balls and cracked my windscreen. This is just adding to my already anxiety filled problems, of never getting a job within the legal field, I don’t know if I’m going to get to see the world, I’m scared about my sister and everything going on, I’m scared that I’m going to fail at life because I’m numb and haven’t really done anything with my life. I’m just here.

Sometimes days get really hard for no reason. Every negative feeling I have about myself creeps in and destroys my day. My stomach starts to hurt, my body aches and I feel exhausted. Sometimes it’s hard to push out the bad thoughts and stop myself. I remember my family and that helps but occasionally I just want it to end.

“Sometimes I just wish I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
I plead with you now mum, let me go instead.
I wish I could take you with me, to a happy place,
Whether it exists though, is time for me to face.
Can I ask for your forgiveness? For you to set me free.
It may seem ungrateful, but this life’s not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared.”

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/how-i-feel

Thoughts are always lingering.

It’s been awhile since I have posted on here. I decided today while I’m forcing myself to be on my laptop I’ll write on my blog which I absolutely love.

Today I woke up with barely a voice and a stuffy nose. I have 2 assignments to complete and my face hurts. Where is the fairy godmother who does your homework. That’s what I need.

For anyone who has a passion for the law or just wants to make a shit tonne of money, I warn you off Administration Law. Unless you enjoy the political side of law, then you, like me will absolutely hate this subject. I have to complete a 2000 word assignment but this feels like a 10,000 word assignment. If I have to write Executive Jurisdiction one more time, I will scream.

This is my third year doing my double degree Bachelor of Law and Business. I have been going trying to balance a Uni, work, family and friends life but it is becoming really hard. I had a breakdown and just started crying and I was confused as to why I was breaking down. I was just so mentally exhausted and just needed a break. I feel all I do is study and go to Uni then go to work. Today I scratched my leg today and it’s the first thing I’ve felt that wasn’t anxiety in years. I think that’s why I started having frequent casual sex, needed to feel something that wasn’t anxiety. I’m bored of that now. I’m Burned out and need of some time off.

I decided anonymously to write this blog instead of writing it in my diary. There is just something beautiful about the sound of the keyboard as you type out your thoughts. I’ve also been watching a lot of Awkward, so I thought I’d give it a go. I doubt I’ll be as witty as Jenna but it will be fun.